Show Me The Numbers

Even we sensitive, zen-feely dudes consider something as left-brained as frequency a sincere measure of the erotic quality of life.

So … seriously, how often are you having real sex right now?

“Um … a lot man. Really, a lot!”

Really. Grab a calendar. The last five times skin-to-skin naked play — ink it!

Be honest, and don’t fudge. Next, stand back, look at the calendar, and decide how you feel about your sexual frequency as it appears on the page. If you’re pleased, fantastic! Keep doing what you’re doing.

If you’re less than pleased, you have some work to do.

Numbers distinguish reality from mere wishful thinking. Numbers keep us honest on CVs, real estate advertisements, and odometers.

Guys quantify to locate the truth. When you ask yourself the question, “When was the last time?” in any scenario, it corrects us from a merely hopeful world to reality with form.

A friend asked me how many days must pass before I become sexually frustrated. To this rather direct question, I replied simply, “about three”. Yes! he shouted and flipped a calendar open to October. He stabbed his finger at the 17th — the last copulatory event of his long-term partnership. It was now March.

When all you have is sexual intention … well, then at the end of the day you only end up with sexual regret. March, for any of us, comes pretty quickly.

Making a Sex Play Plan

My steps to intimacy are pretty simple:

1. Call your partner by name
2. Say what you want
3. Ask what they want
4. Negotiate and work a plan

While it sounds elementary (and it is) it really works! If naked play with your partner falls off for days or weeks or months and you lay awake night after night chewing your knuckles, you need to do all four steps right away.

Intentions remain intentions until you put them on a schedule. Now they are plans.

Sexual plans remove the burden of wishful thinking from your mind. Once you schedule sex play you create accountability for yourself and your partner. Now, you have the liberty to do the plan, change the plan or cancel the plan. No regrets develop because you decided what you will do.

“No Regrets” Sex Play Calendar Plan

Here’s an easy way to make your sex play plan work. Try this calendar or create something of your own imagining, but schedule your plan or it remains intention and you’re back to gnawing the bedpost.

1. Get a calendar to which you and your partner have easy access. A shared Google calendar is great. Handwritten is romantically organic!
2. Have a brainstorming conversation about what you really want from naked play and what your partner wants from naked play. Be specific — say how often you’d like to have sex play and ask your partner how often they’d like to play. Then negotiate something very simple that benefits both of you.
3. Add the next few intended instances of sex play to the calendar: date, time, and amount of time. Start by scheduling out at least a week or two. You can specify what kind of play you like or leave it to spontaneity.
4. Either of you can modify the dates or move them. Either of you can add new dates, times, and kinds of play to the calendar.
5. Do not change or remove a play date on the same day it’s scheduled unless you both agree to the change or deletion from the schedule.
6. Discuss and evaluate your calendar after each month or so until you achieve more free and frequent ease of conversation about your sex play life. Then you’ll be talking about it all the time anyway.

Now you have a plan! You’ll feel the tension go out of your sex playtimes simply because the last time wasn’t that long ago and you know when the next time will be. Keep working it.

Photo — DaMongMan / CC BY

Dafne Cholet / CC BY