I think many of us would do well to set aside orgasm for a time and engage in a ton of sex. I suppose some might not know what to do. Not a bad kind of bewilderment.

Marc, some guys reinventing their sexual selves after ED have achieved a remarkable understanding and experience of sexuality, haven’t they? My hat off to you, sir! Thank you for your post.

Love in all acceptable ways. Respect while expressing love in many psychological and physical ways with your wife is utmost. The goal should be mutual satisfaction whether cuddling, holding hands, or sexual. If during mutual sexual expression climax occurs, that’s great. If climax does not occur, that’s great as well. One might say mutual satisfaction is attainable without a goal. Any other thoughts and feelings?

Thanks very much for your post. You’re right. Fear is a huge barrier in a guy’s relationship with his wife, in his relationship with himself (imagine that — being self-conscious in your own presence!) and with God. I think what you said “afraid to tell the other partner” is so true, but I’d go a couple steps further than that. I think we’re afraid to be known for fear that we’ll either not be accepted as we are or worse, be criticized in some way. It’s really why sex with one partner is the best way. You can only invest trust in one person in this way. Investing intimate trust in many is really tough. When you’re naked with someone and doing something as incredibly personal and revealing of who you are as your sexuality, you risk a whole lot — and you have a lot to give and to gain. And when you’re affirmed nude and during sex — wow! It does fantastic things for you. When your wife says, “You’re a hunk in my book!” or “I love it when you do that!”, it’s great for your self-image, your relationship with her and you feel God loving you. And heart-felt, honest affirmation for her, builds her self-image, your relationship and gives you a beautiful feeling for having affirmed your beloved.

As you said, the same really applies to solo sex. If masturbation is done in a self-affirming way, rather than motivated out of boredom or loneliness, it builds a guy’s self-image and even an acknowledgment of God’s love and amazing gift of sexuality.

Thanks again Jacob. Write more! You say great stuff.

For OG,

Sean

If a person can let go of fear, they can have the most incredible sex life ever – that never gets boring…even if they’re having sex with themselves.

You make some really good points. I like your comment that if we don’t use our yang energy, then we become passive — even spiritually dead. There’s a subject that needs more writing. It’s back to the old “use it or lose it” — and women, by nature, are designed to want men to use it. And E. you are bold — I love it. You use the word “penetration”. Think of it. Two become one; a union; by a man who knows and shows that he desires his wife. Great post E. Thanks!

Sean

I like what you say about the man taking the active, risk-taking role. If we agree with many of the ancients, then women are primarily yin, while men are primarily yang. Women have a beautiful, receptive and embracing energy, like the soft and rich soil of the earth. And men, by design, have a more penetrating and fiery energy which has the power to impassion and embolden. By failing to exercise our God-given yang energy, then we men will become emotionally passive and empty—even spiritually deadened. Of course, there are many ways a man can exercise his yang—taking bold initiatives, living proactively, embarking on creative endeavors, moving forward in his journey—all these are ways of priming the pump and keeping his flow of yang healthy. But for couples, sex and the interchange of orgasmic energy is certainly one of the vital (and arguably one of the most enjoyable) ways for a man to exercise his yang and for a woman to be emotionally nourished as she consumes it with her yin. When we are coupled to a partner for life, then we function like an organic unit, and it requires a lot of nourishment to survive. Sex can be a powerful source of fertilization for a relationship. And no doubt testosterone is one of the key fuels for this fertilization. So we need to keep it alive and well! Exercise, good nutrition, adequate sleep, healthy mitigation of stress, and a basic proactive lifestyle will do a lot to keep our stores of testosterone healthy. But nothing builds up the supply of testosterone like passionate sex itself. Of course, if we simply wait for it to happen, it won’t. So we men should not be afraid to encourage our sexual thoughts and desires in a healthy way and proactively direct them toward our loved one. As you say, we should be risk-takers. Too often we hold back (thinking we are being considerate) and simply wait for the mood to hit.

This boldness and risk-taking also needs to go beyond the simple initiating of sex. I was reading somewhere (can’t remember where, but it was basically a passionate complaint from women) about the tendency for some men to limit their sexual repertoire to the passive style of lying on the back while the woman takes the active role on top. Of course this can be very enjoyable, but not if it’s the only way. The woman writing the comment basically emphasized how much women desire and long to be penetrated by an active man. And it’s not just the act of penetration, but the take-control attitude where the man knows what turns her on, takes things into his own hands, and ravages her with pleasure. I’ve read elsewhere that women are very attracted to the so-called alpha male—the male who is kind and considerate, but strong, confident and active. Males who can’t make up their minds, or wait for the woman to take the initiative in decisions, have a decidedly unattractive aura. Women who live with such passivity will certainly feel a lack of passion and may begin wishing or fantasizing they were with someone else—someone of the alpha male variety. Even if they don’t have such wishes or fantasies, they will know that something is missing in their lives, and they will begin to emotionally withdraw. As so will the men. I believe that physical impotence in a male has a very direct corollary with emotional and volitional impotence. The old adage is true: if you don’t use it, you lose it. So here’s to testosterone!